Tag Archives: anxiety

The Infertility Survival Handbook: Book Review

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Written by:  Sarah Lebeck-Jobe, MS in MFT, Bereavement Specialist at Madison MFT

The word “infertility” can evoke strong emotions in us all.  We can journey through sadness to anger, and the grief of dashed dreams can make us even question our identities as women.  Many couples who find their path to creating a family blocked by infertility often experience the “infertility roller coaster.” If you are on the roller coaster right now, perhaps The Infertility Survival Handbook could help.

The Infertility Survival Handbook is an educational, supportive companion for women coping with infertility. The author, Elizabeth Swire Falker, chronicles her multi-year journey to motherhood through extensive infertility treatments, which culminate in the joyful adoption of a baby boy. She gives voice to the feelings of many women struggling with infertility: “I was miserable. Somewhere deep down inside me, I felt like I was dying” (pg. 15). If you have ever felt like this during your journey toward family-building, or if infertility has made you question your identity as a woman, this book may provide comfort. Falker shares wise sayings that can help women get through tough treatments, such as,  ”Remember: the infertility roller coaster is horrible for everyone” (pg. 25). While this may not be the most encouraging message, it can be helpful to know that you are not alone in struggling through this difficult time.

Ultimately, Falker reveals how her attitude toward her infertility changed: ”Our infertility takes us to a strange, dark place full of fear and failure and longing. But it offers us our greatest potential for growth …. I’ve grown in profound ways because of the anger, the hurt, the confusion, and the struggles I’ve endured to have my son” (pg. 254).

The majority of the book provides practical information about common causes of and treatment for infertility in both women and men. She also shares guidelines for how to find the best infertility doctor for you. Published in 2004, the medical procedures may now be out-dated, but the text is emotionally supportive and the information about the basics of infertility is still highly relevant.  For example, she notes the impact of stress on the ability of women to conceive: “The October 2001 issue of Fertility and Sterility reported the the most stressed-out group of women undergoing infertility treatment were 93 percent less likely to have a baby than the more relaxed patients” (pg. 216). Falker provides suggestions about how to reduce stress even while acknowledging that dealing with infertility can be the most stressful experience in a woman’s life.

Some of the best advice Falker shares is in the chapter about how to talk to friends and family about your infertility. “[T]here comes a point when you will need support from other people. Support is extraordinarily important when you’re struggling with infertility. Trust me; you won’t be able to cope with this without help and support from friends and family” (pg. 149). If you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed with the roller coaster of infertility treatment and need support in addition to your friends and family, please don’t hesitate to get help.

As therapists we understand there are times when the we cannot turn to our family or friends, or that their support is not enough for these waves of emotions.  If you feel this way, do not hesitate find a professional specializing in infertility.  Marriage and Family Therapists can provide much needed support for infertile couples. We help couples find ways to cope with the stresses and grief associated with infertility, the anxiety and physical difficulties of treatment, the challenges it brings to your relationship, and the life-altering stage of welcoming a child into your family. If you are struggling with any stage of infertility, contact us at Madison Marriage and Family Therapy. Our intake coordinator will guide you to our infertility specialists so you can receive the care and support you need during this uncertain, yet hopeful time.

Freedom From Fear by Saying Hello

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Fear can visit us in many different ways.  We can feel anxious because we are planning to go to a social event.  We may hide or deceive our lover rather than share destructive information.  Fear may cause you to run from a room when a “friendly” mouse, cockroach, or spider come to visit.  We may even look to fight because we’re feeling fearful.  Whatever it may be fear seems to “paralyze” us and our relationships.

Since our coping mechanisms toward fear has proven to be destructive I want to recommend we all try, “Hello Fear, how are you today?  Do you want to tell me why you are bumming me out right now?”

Fear can guide us and inform our being.  However, all too often we will look to evade it.  This desire to elude our fears can leave us in an even more vulnerable place.  Without conscious awareness and understanding of our shadow side fear can continue to dominate. In these two check-in questions we honor how important fear is, the knowledge it can provide, and the willingness to understand the wisdom it can bring.  As a added bonus, I like to add humor and light heartedness.  This friendly tone can help make any soul journey a bit more bearable.

The fact is that the creation of fear is not an overnight process.  Fear is formed from years of social and familial experiences: abuse, learned phobias, war, trauma, humiliation, nonverbal behavior, etc. These experiences shape our awareness of what is “bad” and should be avoided.  This makes our fear a defense.  Our fears have once guided and protected us.  So we can say, “Thank you Fear for being my shield, but I am okay now.  I got this one.”

Like with so much, fear is mended and aided with awareness.  It may be helpful if you are experiencing the symptoms below to contact (share) with a (your) therapist.

I wish you peace and love along your journey towards freedom from fear.

Melissa

Physical Symptoms of Fear

  • Tightness in chest
  • Tightness in throat
  • Oversensitivity to noise
  • Depersonalization
  • Breathlessness
  • Weakness in muscles
  • Lack of energy
  • Hollowness in stomach
  • Sighing

Behavioral Symptoms of Fear

  • Anxiety
  • Anger
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Appetite disturbances
  • Absentmindedness
  • Social withdrawal
  • Avoidance of reminders
  • Searching/Calling out
  • Restless over activity
  • Crying
  • Clinging to reminders
  • Treasuring objects
Ways to Manage Your Fear
  • Having awareness of your Fear
  • Identifying how you express your Fear
  • What are the situations that trigger your Fear
  • using behavioral techniques to reduce fear and stress.

Family Therapy: Systemic Knowledge

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To be empty is always to be empty of something. When we contemplate a flower like this, we see the flower is full of everything: the cloud, the sunshine, the Earth, time, space, the gardener—everything has come together to help the flower to manifest. Why do we say it is empty? It is empty of only one thing: a separate existence. A flower cannot be by herself alone. – Thich Nhat Hanh

Like the flower that cannot exist alone, neither can we. In each individual there is their guardian, sibling, elder, social leaders, country men and women, friends, lovers, earth, sky, ocean, farmer, etc… All these things help shape and effect us. And no one object or person does that better than our family.

Our family is the first social setting we experience. As infants our survival is strongly linked to their mental and physical health. We learn very fast when our guardians are in a bad place and are unable to take care of us. We become skilled at knowing what we need to do to make sure their love and support comes our way. We are full of knowledge by the time we are 3 years old and more so with each year that follows.

This systemic awareness is the reason why we have mental health practitioners trained in family therapy. They recognize that one does not exist without the many. Therefore our work asks us to never look at one person as the source of a problem. There is no right or wrong and each individual is interacting the best they can with the knowledge they have and the system they exist in.

Marriage and Family Therapists help individuals, couples and families work with teen anger, unexpected pregnancies, teen substance abuse, domestic violence, parenting skills, relationship struggles, interfaith families, anxiety, depression and more. Facing these challenges with an unbiased trained practitioner can aid in building the techniques necessary to change the damaging patterns that exist.

Good luck on your journey.