Tag Archives: couples

Making Happy Happen: A Focus on the Good Things

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Did you know that by spending only a few minutes a day counting your blessings, you can actually improve your level of well-being and happiness? Don’t take my word for it: researchers at the University of Pennsylvania’s Positive Psychology Center have confirmed this finding with rigorous studies that show you really can change your life for the better.

Here’s the exercise:

Every night, about 10 minutes before you go to bed, make a list of Three Good Things that happened to you during the day. They can be big (I got a promotion!) or small (My partner smiled at me when I woke up this morning.)

Then write down why you think these good things happened to you today. Did you work extra hard at your job for the past six months? Did you say “Good morning, I love you” to your partner this morning instead of “Gosh, please go brush your teeth?” Linking the things you are grateful for in life with the cause behind them may show you how to go about increasing the abundance of blessings in your life.

The researchers recommend that you write down three good things every night for six weeks. If you stick with it, you should see an increase in positive feelings and possibly a general shift in noticing more of the good things that are already present in your life. Sometimes, once you start noticing things, you see them everywhere. Have you ever had the experience where you buy a new car and suddenly you notice that there’s a car just like yours around every corner? Well, the same phenomenon can happen with positive events if we just start paying attention to them. Good things may be hiding in plain sight all around you!

Now this isn’t to say that you should just ignore the negative events in your life. We are programmed to react to and remember negative events more than positive events – it’s what keeps us safe. It is better to think that the stick in the path is a snake and jump to avoid it than to pick up the stick only to find yourself face to face with fangs. Or remembering that you got yelled at the last time you took the last cookie from the cookie jar, so maybe this time you should leave it there. However, sometimes we get stuck only perceiving the negativity around us and our warning bells are always going off about how the sky is falling, if not today, then definitely tomorrow. One of the goals of Positive Psychology is to shift our perception so that we notice the good things in our lives a little more than we did before. By noticing the positives, we can weather the stormy days with a little more ease, and realize that it’s not the sky that is falling, you’re just walking in DUMBO as a train rumbles overhead.

So that’s my challenge to you: write down three good things and why they happened each night before bed. Share them with someone who cares about you. Ask that person what his or her three good things are for the day. You might be amazed at what you find out!

If you are interested in learning more about Positive Psychology, check out the following resources:

And if you’d like a more in-depth experience with Positive Psychology, please give us a call at Madison Marriage & Family Therapy. Our therapists can guide you through a 10 week program designed to increase your well-being through multiple activities that connect you with the best in your life. Call us at (917) 488-6364 or email us at info@madisonmft.com for more information and to set up an appointment.

Be Selfish

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My advice is that if you must be selfish, be wisely selfish. … The kind of selfishness that provokes fighting, killing, stealing, using harsh words, forgetting other people’s welfare will only result in your own loss. – Dalai Lama

Being selfish is not a bad thing, but like anger it can have negative outcomes.  Desires, wants, and needs are words to describe objects or experiences that will provide positive emotions.  To feel happiness, content, peace, and freedom are part of our basic needs.  To neglect those needs is not only harmful to us, but also harmful to our loved ones.  This disregard can leave us feeling anger, resentment, and a whole load of other negative emotions and actions.  It is vital for healthy relationships to listen to ourselves.  To contemplate our needs and to nurture them into existence.

So what does it mean to be selfish wisely?  It means we welcome our desires in.  We sit and hang out with them, contemplating if they are something we should act on.  We think about who might be effected and how.  Will someone be hurt by our actions (affairs, verbal abuse, domestic violence, addictions, etc…)?  Is that pain important for growth (boundaries, ending a relationship, changing jobs) or destructive?  All these questions help guide us in making a healthy selfish choice.

We can communicate our desires with our lovers so they can help.  We can say to them, “My love, I feel inadequate at my job.  I need a change.  Will you help me explore a change that will be best for me and our family?”  When we are approached with love, honesty, and vulnerability it can be very difficult to be dismissive and attacking.  This form of communication leaves our lover in a place of feeling seen and considered, so they have room to see us too.

When you are being selfish it is helpful to think of yourself as a tree.  To let the thoughts of others sway your branches as the wind does for a tree. Your feelings and thoughts are the roots, they hold you steady and keep you grounded.  The tree experiences the wind, but it might not choose to its path.

And remember when you want to be selfish, be selfish wisely.