Tag Archives: Therapy

Pre-Engagement Counseling: Starting Your Relationship on a Solid Foundation

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Are you and your partner thinking about getting married? How exciting! You are beginning to realize that you have found “the one” and your daydreams about walking down the aisle and creating a family may soon become a reality (not to mention no more blind dates!). But have you and your partner had enough serious conversations to make sure you are compatible in the long-term? For example, do you really know that your partner wants children as much as you do? What if you discover, a month before the wedding, that your partner won’t even consider having kids? Is this issue a deal breaker or just a heart breaker?

Don’t wait until after the question has been popped, the cake ordered, the dress purchased, and the venue secured to start counseling! Pre-engagement counseling is an option for forward-thinking couples who want to make sure their relationship gets started on a solid foundation. Pre-engagement counseling provides a calm space to work through any issues before the whirlwind of wedding planning begins. Think of pre-engagement counseling as a form of preventative medicine. It allows couples the opportunity to examine their compatibility on a long-term basis.  In fact, pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling can reduce the risk of divorce and help couples better understand their compatibility, according to studies by clinical psychologists with the PREPARE/ENRICH pre-marital counseling program.

Perhaps there are ways that you interact now that you’d like to change before the unhealthy patterns become solidified in your relationship. The online assessments in the PREPARE/ENRICH program provide a wealth of information about your current relationship on a variety of topics that can help you and your partner identify trouble spots early on. With divorce rates in first-time marriages hovering around 50%, it might be a good idea to invest time and money in determining if the two of you are right for each other and work through any issues early in your relationship. Why not explore all the facets of each other’s personality with as much excitement as you explore the facets of your new diamond ring?

In pre-engagement counseling based on the PREPARE/ENRICH model, couples work with a trained marriage and family therapist to:

  • Identify strength and growth areas
  • Explore personality traits
  • Strengthen communication skills
  • Resolve conflicts and reduce stress
  • Compare family backgrounds
  • Comfortably discuss financial issues
  • Establish personal, couple, and family goals

At Madison Marriage and Family Therapy in Midtown Manhattan, our therapists tailor sessions to meet the unique needs of each couple and find just the right exercises to strengthen your relationship and guide you on the path toward a healthier relationship. While many religious institutions offer pre-martial counseling, marriage and family therapists are in a unique position to offer secular, nondenominational counseling. We can also help interfaith couples who seek a safe, nonjudgmental space to explore how they will create a new family from their two different traditions. Call today to set up an appointment: 917.488.6364.

The Infertility Survival Handbook: Book Review

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Written by:  Sarah Lebeck-Jobe, MS in MFT, Bereavement Specialist at Madison MFT

The word “infertility” can evoke strong emotions in us all.  We can journey through sadness to anger, and the grief of dashed dreams can make us even question our identities as women.  Many couples who find their path to creating a family blocked by infertility often experience the “infertility roller coaster.” If you are on the roller coaster right now, perhaps The Infertility Survival Handbook could help.

The Infertility Survival Handbook is an educational, supportive companion for women coping with infertility. The author, Elizabeth Swire Falker, chronicles her multi-year journey to motherhood through extensive infertility treatments, which culminate in the joyful adoption of a baby boy. She gives voice to the feelings of many women struggling with infertility: “I was miserable. Somewhere deep down inside me, I felt like I was dying” (pg. 15). If you have ever felt like this during your journey toward family-building, or if infertility has made you question your identity as a woman, this book may provide comfort. Falker shares wise sayings that can help women get through tough treatments, such as,  ”Remember: the infertility roller coaster is horrible for everyone” (pg. 25). While this may not be the most encouraging message, it can be helpful to know that you are not alone in struggling through this difficult time.

Ultimately, Falker reveals how her attitude toward her infertility changed: ”Our infertility takes us to a strange, dark place full of fear and failure and longing. But it offers us our greatest potential for growth …. I’ve grown in profound ways because of the anger, the hurt, the confusion, and the struggles I’ve endured to have my son” (pg. 254).

The majority of the book provides practical information about common causes of and treatment for infertility in both women and men. She also shares guidelines for how to find the best infertility doctor for you. Published in 2004, the medical procedures may now be out-dated, but the text is emotionally supportive and the information about the basics of infertility is still highly relevant.  For example, she notes the impact of stress on the ability of women to conceive: “The October 2001 issue of Fertility and Sterility reported the the most stressed-out group of women undergoing infertility treatment were 93 percent less likely to have a baby than the more relaxed patients” (pg. 216). Falker provides suggestions about how to reduce stress even while acknowledging that dealing with infertility can be the most stressful experience in a woman’s life.

Some of the best advice Falker shares is in the chapter about how to talk to friends and family about your infertility. “[T]here comes a point when you will need support from other people. Support is extraordinarily important when you’re struggling with infertility. Trust me; you won’t be able to cope with this without help and support from friends and family” (pg. 149). If you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed with the roller coaster of infertility treatment and need support in addition to your friends and family, please don’t hesitate to get help.

As therapists we understand there are times when the we cannot turn to our family or friends, or that their support is not enough for these waves of emotions.  If you feel this way, do not hesitate find a professional specializing in infertility.  Marriage and Family Therapists can provide much needed support for infertile couples. We help couples find ways to cope with the stresses and grief associated with infertility, the anxiety and physical difficulties of treatment, the challenges it brings to your relationship, and the life-altering stage of welcoming a child into your family. If you are struggling with any stage of infertility, contact us at Madison Marriage and Family Therapy. Our intake coordinator will guide you to our infertility specialists so you can receive the care and support you need during this uncertain, yet hopeful time.

Staying Calm for the Holidays

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As previously shared staying calm during the holidays can be a challenge. We are inclined to regress to familial norms and engage in behaviors we worked hard to stop. And although we are quite skilled at returning to a homeostatic behavior our family is just as skilled at encouraging this homeostasis. This means when at home we have be extra careful not to let this happen.

Here are few tips to help you remain calm for the holidays:

Don’t redesign your family- First of all, I don’t recommend returning home with a life altering plan that you have created to change your family. A family system never changes over night and it is best handled in small bites.

Honor Thyself- So you might have decided there are boundaries you have, that your family often neglects. Or you might have a daily ritual you want to maintain. Keep them. If you neglect yourself you are more likely to act out.

Remember to Breath- Breathing is not just having room to intake oxygen. It’s also an opportunity to take a breather. We often need space to think and feel freely. Give yourself this time. You don’t have to stay in a place you feel uncomfortable just because you are a guest or you don’t see your family often. Quality not quantity is key.

As the holiday season continues with Chanukah, Christmas, and New Years, remember to keep goals small and simple.

Have a Happy and Healthy Holiday Season. I’ll see you on the other side.

Melissa